A few years ago, I was looking forward to taking some time off from work and getting some things done around the house. Being self-employed, I have the freedom to take time off when I want to - and the pressures that cause me to not take as much time off as I'd like, or as I need.
 
I used to feel a lot of pressure to get things done around the house: cleaning up outside, fixing things, building things, etc. I have gotten to the point where I don't put a whole lot of pressure on myself any more, I don't set myself up with expectations, as I lived too many years with the resulting stress and anxiety.
 
So, as my time off work approached, I was not loading it with pressured expectations, but I was actually looking forward to accomplishing a few things that I knew needed doing, and that I knew would feel good to get done.
 
The first day of my time off, I started slow. I just trimmed some bushes around the house. Easy work, relaxing work, that showed immediate results. It's work that I enjoy.
 
As much as I was enjoying doing the work, I was now paying attention to what I was doing, rather than where I was putting my feet. I accidentally stepped into a basement window well and badly banged up my shin. I finished what I was doing and went in and put ice on it, as it was swelling up rapidly.
 
Over the next day or two, that shin was hurting me pretty badly, and although I kept putting ice on it, it remained quite swollen. I did a few things here and there, but I also had to sit down quite a bit.
 
On the third day, it was hurting me more and getting redder; it had gotten infected. Unfortunately, the first doctor who looked at it didn't think it was infected and it was another day until I had it seen again and it was properly diagnosed, and I had to start on antibiotics.
 
Starting the second day after I was hurt, I had already been spending time sitting with my leg up, which was not what I had planned for my days off. But, I have learned to accept when things don't go according to my expectations and to roll with it. I have also learned to pay attention to how things do go, especially when it involves health and injuries. I try to listen to what my body tells me.
 
In this case, I was getting the message from my body that my plans for my days off were not what my body needed. I was puzzled by this, because I didn't believe that I was tired or that I needed a lot of rest, and I didn't believe that I was approaching the tasks I had planned in any way that was stressful, pressured, or otherwise neglecting my well-being.
 
But when my leg was diagnosed as infected, and it was made clear to me that the infection was in a region where there was very little blood flow and so I would have to keep my leg up as much as possible to help the antibiotics get to the infection, I was forced to really surrender to the reality of the situation and to the experience of it.
 
I set myself up outside in a comfortable chair with some magazines and books, and with my leg propped up comfortably. At some point into my first full day of sitting, I realized that although I thought I had been not stressed, there was in fact, a low-level tension within me.
 
As I tuned into it mindfully, I became aware that this low level tension, a slight, subtle, feeling of holding, mostly located in my chest and abdomen, was actually constantly present. And its presence was related to a constant awareness – not even thinking, not a conscious preoccupation – but more like a program running in the background, constantly aware of all the things that needed attending to, that awaited my attention, in different areas of my life.
 
Over the years, with much work, this has significantly improved from where it was. I used to experience this as anxiety that was fairly constant, simply varying in degrees between slight, through mild-to-moderate, to severe.
 
I have learned through many different ways to change my patterns of thinking, to change my beliefs and my perceptions, and to change how I actually feel inside, so that I no longer feel anxiety.
 
But I recognized that this subtle, low level tension was a lesser version of the same thing. And because of the stress and anxiety I used to feel quite consistently, part of my life's "project" is to learn how to live life in a way that allows me to be well, happy and to function as optimally as I can.
 
So, I immediately understood that this "accident" had needed to happen in order for me to become aware of this tension. I immediately, therefore, fully let go of my plans and expectations for my time off, and embraced the reality of the situation as it presented itself, and all that this had to offer.
 
Over the following days, I used mindfulness-based skills such as regular body scans to maintain my awareness of my internal state. I used breathing techniques to release and relax whatever tension I encountered. I used affirmations to reinforce my acceptance of the situation and the permission I was giving myself to relax and rest. And I used my heart-focusing technique to choose what I really felt like doing (while sitting in the chair, with my leg propped up!) at any given time. I chose what to read according to what I felt in the moment.
 
This approach, this attitude in this situation, also produced an unexpected bonus. I had been thinking that I needed to create a website, and had not done anything about it to date. Suddenly, in a rested and relaxed state, I felt inspired to start working on that.
 
But it did not feel like "work". It was an upsurge of creative energy, of enthusiasm, that would not have happened if I had not been forced (i.e. if I had not inadvertently forced myself) to be sitting outside, day after day, in beautiful summer weather, with "nothing to do" and having relaxed any sense of "having to do" anything.
 
Rather than feeling "cluttered" with, or pressured by, a constant list of things that needed doing, and having to choose which one to do at any given time, letting go of expectations, slowing down and being fully present, allowed me to notice the genuine feeling I had of what I most felt like doing, and to act on the creative impulse that came up.
 
What I hope to have learned from this is to be more aware on an ongoing basis of the way this subtle tension can build up and not only tire me, or sap my energy, but also impede being in the present moment and having access to the free flow of creative energy that can only occur when we are really, fully, in the present moment.
 
Letting go of thoughts, beliefs, dictates of what we should the "doing" allows us to just "be". This is when we can access our creativity, and our truly authentic selves.