It is amazing how often that, in wanting to be heard, we react to others in ways that make it difficult for those people to hear us.
 
Sometimes, we do this by causing them to feel not heard.
 
Wanting to be heard is, of course, a normal desire. Whether feeling unheard is an issue for you or not, or whether it is a desire that you abandoned so long ago that you don't consciously experience it, it is in some ways hardwired in us to want to be heard.
 
We are hardwired to connect, and the only way we can connect fully is to both hear, and be heard; to both give and receive; to both touch and be touched; love and be loved; accept and be accepted; respect and be respected.
 
To the degree, and in the ways, that we did not feel fully or properly heard as children, it affected our sense of connection; our sense of being secure in our connection. We will then go on to carry that feeling, that perception of not being heard, or the fear of not being heard, within us. We will develop hypersensitivity to any apparent indication that we are not being heard.
 
You might also develop an expectation that you won't be heard. Or, you might even develop a belief that you can't or will never be heard, and give up trying. But regardless, whatever response you developed as a result of this experience, it will shape your perception of whether or not you are being heard in the present moment.
 
This means that it will shape your perception of what another person is saying when you listen to them, and it will shape your response to that person.
 
To the degree that I carry a need – rather than just a desire – to be heard; to the degree that I carry an ongoing sense within myself that I am not heard; then my brain will be hyper-alert for any signals that suggest this might be happening again.
 
And if my mind, my brain, perceive such a signal, my thinking processes and my emotional reactions will narrow to focus on, and react to, that particular signal. I have been "triggered".
 
As of that moment, I can no longer fully hear what the other person is saying to me. I can no longer put it in context, including the full context of our relationship, of their personal history, because somewhere in my brain, an overriding meaning has been applied to the experience of the other person speaking to me: "I am not being heard."
 
When that happens, my response to that person is now no longer a response to a full understanding of what they are saying and what they mean; it is a response to what I believe I am hearing.
 
Regardless of my response, I am no longer responding to the full reality of the situation. I am actually, no longer in the present moment.
 
It may be that my response is now laced with anger, or hurt, or resentment. My response is now a reaction.
 
If I was in the present moment, if I was still able to fully listen and hear, I would be better able to hear what the person actually means to say, rather than only what I think I am hearing. If the other person has made a good point, and if I can hear it, then it might allow me to modify my own perception. This would significantly alter the conversation we are having, and how it unfolds.
 
But I can't hear the point they are making because I am reacting to the belief that "they are not hearing me."
 
As we are all aware, this simple issue, this simple perception, and this reaction, of not feeling heard can result in a great deal of difficulties in communication, and conflict in relationships. It can cause a great deal of hurt and anger.
 
At the very least, it results in wasted energy and wasted time. At the worst, it results in loss of relationships.
 
What is the solution?
 
The solution, as in all things, is learning how to take responsibility. This is essentially the focus of Don Miguel Ruiz's excellent book "The Four Agreements". I highly recommend it.
 
Here is another way to approach to taking responsibility:
 
1. Take responsibility for being aware of what triggers you and how you get triggered. There are steps to this that begin with paying attention. Look at patterns over time:
 
     "If I look back at a number of situations where I felt this very same way, what do I notice that I was reacting to every time?"
 
     "What is the statement about how I felt, or what I perceived was happening, that I could apply to all those examples?"
 
     With the answers to these questions, you now have the beginnings of an awareness of a set of thoughts and feelings within you, that gets activated by other people.
 
2. Take responsibility for how you feel in those situations. The feelings that someone else triggered within you are yours; they are not the other person's fault, they are not the other person's responsibility.
 
     Keep in mind that making it the other person's fault and responsibility puts all the power in their hands. It is much more empowering to realize that what you feel, is your responsibility; this then gives you the power to do something about it, and to change how you feel.
 
3. Take responsibility for learning to identify when you have been triggered, and to not "do the same old same old": to not react from that place, and have the "same old, same old" interaction and experience that follows.
 
     The key is to hone the skill of being aware when you are triggered and to identify, "I am being triggered" which means: "I need to stop, pause this situation, and deal with my feelings, before I continue." This is what taking full responsibility and ownership for your feelings and reactions looks like. You could also think of it as actively taking care, and protecting yourself, the other person, and the situation from those old patterns of reaction.
 
4. Take responsibility to truly listen to the other person. Not to listen to what you think you are hearing, but to listen to them, and what they really mean for you to hear. This can sometimes mean double-checking to make sure you understood right: "Do you mean to say that…?" It is most useful to do this with those things that most trigger you, to make sure that you are according the other person the very thing that you, yourself want: to be heard.
 
If you really want to be heard, the best place to start is to make sure that the person you are speaking with, is feeling heard. This is the hardest of all, because anything that triggers us, like needing to be heard or feeling not heard, causes us instantly to focus entirely on ourselves, and on our own subjective experience. So it is very difficult to disengage from that, and to focus on making sure that the other person feels heard.
 
Being triggered means, on some level, "feeling attacked". The brain naturally, then, "closes ranks" and narrows its focus on self-protection. But if you think of it, if you can bring yourself first to assure that you are giving the other person what you want – to be heard – then immediately, you have moved yourself out of that position of feeling threatened, of being a victim. You have shifted yourself out of that frame of mind.
 
You are no longer acting as if under attack; your defences are "standing down". This almost always guarantees that the communication improves. You may then realize that what the other person was saying is not what you thought they were saying.
 
How do you focus on making the other person feel heard?
 
You simply reflect back what it is that you are hearing them say, using statements such as: "So, I hear you saying that…" Or, "If I hear you right, you are saying…"
 
This forces you to focus on what the person actually said. If you misinterpreted, it gives them the chance to correct your understanding of what they said. If you understood correctly what they said, but are not clear what they actually mean, it gives you the opportunity to ask, "So, do you mean to say…?"
 
Even if they meant to say is exactly what you thought, you have already switched out of "reaction mode". You are more centred within yourself. You are not giving the other person the power over how you feel.
 
This puts you in a better place to respond more calmly and effectively. You are not reacting from a triggered state, so you will either be more effective in making yourself heard, or, realizing that you are not being heard, you will still feel able to handle the situation more effectively.
 
In other words, you are now able to remain in the present moment as you interact, regardless of the outcome. And being in the present moment, you feel more connected - to yourself.