What does the word "happy" mean to you?

 

For a long time, I thought that my meaning for the word was perhaps different than other people's. But lately, I realized that I actually use the word in two different ways, with two different meanings.

 

One is, "I feel happy"; the other is, "I am happy".

 

In the first case, happiness is a feeling. That familiar light, uplifting feeling. Often, it is a feeling in the body of lightness, or even joy, in the heart area and in my head. It's a feeling that makes me want to smile and leads me to think positive thoughts.

 

It's always a feeling in reaction to something. I feel happy that someone I love is coming home. I feel happy that I have succeeded at something that was very challenging, or that I was afraid I would not succeed at. I feel happy because it's a beautiful warm summer day.

 

It is always a reaction to something, even if that something is my own thoughts. Happiness in this sense, is a transitory feeling that comes and goes and is dependent on being stimulated by something: by other people, by events, by circumstances. Even if it is my own thoughts triggering the feeling, these thoughts are about something and it is the meaning I put to that something, that makes me feel happy.

 

"I am happy", on the other hand, is not a statement about feeling, it is a statement about being.

 

"I am happy" refers to my internal, core state. I can make this statement even when I am not feeling happy. I can say that "I am happy" even when I am in the midst of a stressful situation, or dealing with a loss. It is a statement about my stable, consistent experience of being, of being myself, of being in my life, over time. It is not a given. It is true that my reactions to circumstances over time, could alter that core feeling.

 

 

To the extent that we confuse wanting to be happy with wanting to feel happy, we get into all sorts of patterns that actually get in the way of truly being happy. If I want to feel happy I am going to have an issue with feeling sad, or upset or angry. I won't be okay when I'm feeling those feelings and I will try to avoid feeling them.

 

At the extreme, I may try to avoid feeling them with behaviours that become addictions, because I feel not okay if I'm feeling those feelings. I may try to avoid those feelings in my relationships with people, whether those are close and intimate relationships, friends, or social relationships.

 

If I just want to feel happy in the context of those relationships, then I might feel uncomfortable with other people's feelings. I might start minimizing other people's feelings, not dealing with them, or discounting them, because they're making me feel uncomfortable and interfering with my "happiness".

 

It will cause problems in my relationships, but I will perceive that as the other person's problem, because I'm trying to be "happy" and positive (which are supposedly "good" feelings) and they are the ones who are "negative".

 

If happiness is a feeling I aspire to, then I cannot sit with all the other feelings I have, that are less comfortable. This means that I have to dissociate from parts of myself with which these feelings are associated.

 

For example, if I am uncomfortable with feeling angry with someone, then I can never deal with that anger, or that relationship. And I abandon the part of me that is feeling that anger. This means that I can never be authentic or truly embrace myself because I am not embracing all of myself, all of my experience.

 

If, on the other hand, I let go of wanting to feel a particular way and I choose to accept everything that I feel, then my experience is one of accepting myself. If I accept everything that I feel, I can embrace my experience of life, my experience of myself, as I live my life – and then I can be authentic. And that makes me truly happy.

 

So then, I can say that I am truly happy. Even though I may feel anxiety, fear, anger, grief, sadness or hurt at different times, it doesn't shake my core happiness because at the centre of it all, I am accepting myself and my experience and this acceptance makes me happy.

 

If life is a journey, if life is a learning experience, then accepting all aspects of the journey, all learning, makes it a good experience, one that I am happy to be experiencing. Acceptance, allows me to be present.

 

My life is not perfect. There are so many aspects of my life that I could focus on and wish were different. I could aspire to change things, or I could regret other things, or complain about yet other things. All of those trains of thought take me to places where I am not happy. Over many years, and with much practice, I have learned to either not get on those trains when they come by, or to jump off them quite quickly when I notice that I have. I recognize where they would take me, where they have taken me many times, and I choose not to go there.

 

This isn't avoidance, this isn't denial: this is a choice of accepting reality rather than rejecting it. This is what I call "happiness": a knowing, a felt sense that reality is just fine as it is, even when it feels as though it isn't.

What does the word "happy" mean to you?

 

For a long time, I thought that my meaning for the word was perhaps different than other people's. But lately, I realized that I actually use the word in two different ways, with two different meanings.

 

One is, "I feel happy"; the other is, "I am happy".

 

In the first case, happiness is a feeling. That familiar light, uplifting feeling. Often, it is a feeling in the body of lightness, or even joy, in the heart area and in my head. It's a feeling that makes me want to smile and leads me to think positive thoughts.

 

It's always a feeling in reaction to something. I feel happy that someone I love is coming home. I feel happy that I have succeeded at something that was very challenging, or that I was afraid I would not succeed at. I feel happy because it's a beautiful warm summer day.

 

It is always a reaction to something, even if that something is my own thoughts. Happiness in this sense, is a transitory feeling that comes and goes and is dependent on being stimulated by something: by other people, by events, by circumstances. Even if it is my own thoughts triggering the feeling, these thoughts are about something and it is the meaning I put to that something, that makes me feel happy.

 

"I am happy", on the other hand, is not a statement about feeling, it is a statement about being.

 

"I am happy" refers to my internal, core state. I can make this statement even when I am not feeling happy. I can say that "I am happy" even when I am in the midst of a stressful situation, or dealing with a loss. It is a statement about my stable, consistent experience of being, of being myself, of being in my life, over time. It is not a given. It is true that my reactions to circumstances over time, could alter that core feeling.

 

 

To the extent that we confuse wanting to be happy with wanting to feel happy, we get into all sorts of patterns that actually get in the way of truly being happy. If I want to feel happy I am going to have an issue with feeling sad, or upset or angry. I won't be okay when I'm feeling those feelings and I will try to avoid feeling them.

 

At the extreme, I may try to avoid feeling them with behaviours that become addictions, because I feel not okay if I'm feeling those feelings. I may try to avoid those feelings in my relationships with people, whether those are close and intimate relationships, friends, or social relationships.

 

If I just want to feel happy in the context of those relationships, then I might feel uncomfortable with other people's feelings. I might start minimizing other people's feelings, not dealing with them, or discounting them, because they're making me feel uncomfortable and interfering with my "happiness".

 

It will cause problems in my relationships, but I will perceive that as the other person's problem, because I'm trying to be "happy" and positive (which are supposedly "good" feelings) and they are the ones who are "negative".

 

If happiness is a feeling I aspire to, then I cannot sit with all the other feelings I have, that are less comfortable. This means that I have to dissociate from parts of myself with which these feelings are associated.

 

For example, if I am uncomfortable with feeling angry with someone, then I can never deal with that anger, or that relationship. And I abandon the part of me that is feeling that anger. This means that I can never be authentic or truly embrace myself because I am not embracing all of myself, all of my experience.

 

If, on the other hand, I let go of wanting to feel a particular way and I choose to accept everything that I feel, then my experience is one of accepting myself. If I accept everything that I feel, I can embrace my experience of life, my experience of myself, as I live my life – and then I can be authentic. And that makes me truly happy.

 

So then, I can say that I am truly happy. Even though I may feel anxiety, fear, anger, grief, sadness or hurt at different times, it doesn't shake my core happiness because at the centre of it all, I am accepting myself and my experience and this acceptance makes me happy.

 

If life is a journey, if life is a learning experience, then accepting all aspects of the journey, all learning, makes it a good experience, one that I am happy to be experiencing. Acceptance, allows me to be present.

 

My life is not perfect. There are so many aspects of my life that I could focus on and wish were different. I could aspire to change things, or I could regret other things, or complain about yet other things. All of those trains of thought take me to places where I am not happy. Over many years, and with much practice, I have learned to either not get on those trains when they come by, or to jump off them quite quickly when I notice that I have. I recognize where they would take me, where they have taken me many times, and I choose not to go there.

 

This isn't avoidance, this isn't denial: this is a choice of accepting reality rather than rejecting it. This is what I call "happiness": a knowing, a felt sense that reality is just fine as it is, even when it feels as though it isn't.